10 Ways To Take United To The Top

1. Merge with Aston Villa to form a Midlands Superteam

2. Get ourselves some retractable goalposts so we can lower the crossbar (copyright Portsmouth F.C. 1989)

3. Go bankrupt so we can enter and win the Federated Homes League

4. Turn the Manor into a recording complex for Stock, Aitken and Waterman

5. Declare Oxfordshire an independent sovereign state and enter the European Cup

6. Sell the ground and the players to finance the best damn tiddlywinks franchise in the country

7. Put a roof on the stadium and turn the air conditioning up or down to affect the flight of the ball to our advantage (a la Minnesota Twins World Series triumph 1987)

8. Use the club offices as a clearing house for the Home Counties yuppie cocaine trade

9. Locate the new ground on top of Mount Snowdon (good rail links!)

10. Rename the club Aardvark United

E.J.H.